Summer is around the corner, and although we still have a good month of possible rain showers here in the Pacific Northwest, this has not stopped our family from having campfires every night this past week. The kids LOVE roasting hot dogs and marshmallows, and sitting with blankets next to daddy, even if the mist is coming down. BUT my favorite time by the campfire is after the kids are asleep, and the hubby and I can just sit alone (truth be told, some nights we don’t even start the fire until all kids are fast asleep).
Staring at a fire just has a way of making us think and reflect, doesn’t it? My husband and I often find ourselves sitting in silence for a while before we start conversation about funny or hard parts of our day, or what we plan on doing tomorrow. These nights will be a habit for us all summer long.
Last night as I sat curled up in a blanket watching the fire, I got to thinking about habits in my life. Habits are IMPORTANT! I recall my dad repeatedly telling us that “your character is the sum total of your habits.” I cannot say that I am a patient mom if my actions show that I lose patience with my kids. As I sat thinking about the habits in my life, good and bad, I thanked the Lord for the growth in my marriage through healthy habits. I’d love to share a few of the most foundational habits in my marriage that have now become the norm.
1. Going to bed at the SAME time as your spouse.
Yes, this may sound crazy to some of you, maybe most of you. This habit started when my husband made a goal to go to bed at the same time as me 5 days each week. He made sacrifices to go to bed when I did. It was hard at first, to give up a certain show or reading, but it became easier for him. It also became a habit for me to stay up a little later if I knew he wanted to, or wait on a late night craft if I could tell he was tired. Now, we regularly go to bed together AT LEAST 7 nights a week (maybe 8). It is the norm, and it has brought so much unity to our marriage.
2. Praying with your spouse daily.
This habit was also initiated by my husband (his name is Kyle, and he is amazing by the way). He made a goal to pray with me each night before we fell asleep. This took some practice. Some nights we would talk about our day and pretty soon I had fallen asleep, so he would just pray without waking me. Other nights I could literally hear his snores between his sentences. But as it has become a regular habit that we practice, it has become second nature for us to do before we go to sleep. When we first started praying together it would often just be Kyle praying over our family, marriage and ministry. These days it has grown into a corporate prayer time where we pray back and forth about things God lays on our hearts. The campfire has been the perfect place for prayer this past week, and will be our routine spot for the summer I am sure.
Prayer unifies. Prayer works. Praying together with your spouse gets you on the same page and keeps you centered on eternity—on what really matters.
3. Weekly “check-ins” with your spouse
This habit was a collaborative effort between Kyle and I, but he is faithful to keep it going. Each Sunday night, we have a few questions that we ask each other. These questions merely facilitate a conversation about how we are doing and what we can improve on. Here they are:
a) How did you feel loved by me this past week?
b) What does our upcoming week look like?
c) How could you feel /would like to feel loved by me this coming week (What can I do better-sort of thing)?
Sometimes it’s merely, “I would feel very loved this week by you, Kyle, remembering to take the trash out before it is piled high,” or “I would feel loved if you, Hanna, made an effort to come give me a hug when I come in the door from work, even though it may have been a long day with kids.” Communicating about these little things has been foundational in being on the same page and the same team as we move forward in ministry and parenting.
Also it gives us a chance to remember little things that we really felt loved by, and SHARE them (yes, out loud). “I noticed when you emptied the dishwasher.” “I loved that you stopped what you were doing to hug me a little longer.” “I felt so loved when you picked up all the toys in the living room so I didn’t have to.” These things spur us on to love by our actions.
Now I know as women, we may want these things and MORE (let’s be honest here) in our marriages. So where do we start if we don’t have healthy habits set in place? My first piece of advice is to sit down and make a list, because more times than not, we actually have a couple healthy habits we are taking for granted. Make a list and start by thanking your husband tonight before you go to bed for those things. Thank GOD for those things. Then put one important habit into motion: pray for your husband daily. Pray for his work, his friendships, his character, his leadership. Thank God for his strengths, and pray for protection over him. God will show you how to start other habits as you seek Him for your marriage daily. It is okay for you to initiate and ask your husband, “how can I love you this week?” Make it your aim to fulfill that request and then ask him the next week if he felt loved and how you can do better.
Men! This habit will PAY OFF in your marriages. Put the effort in. Place routine habits in your marriage. Initiate. Pray with your wives. Set up your own healthy habits that are important to you. We CANNOT leave our marriages to be pulled around by life’s circumstances. You’re wives will be surprised (in a very good way) and LOVE you even more for making this a priority.
Our habits are IMPORTANT. Our habits = our character.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us…” Hebrews 12:1
Let’s press on toward the finish line.
Let’s aim for what matters in our marriages—being like Christ!
higghome 