The day-in-day-out constancy of a mother’s job is more than just tiring. It brings about a weariness I’ve known nowhere else. Nothing else demands ALL OF ME like this job; this calling. Sticky fingers, dirty diapers, constant discipline, tears, another story, another snack, spilt milk, more laundry, melt downs, baths, lost blankies, scraped knees, and it’s not even nap time!
Today I am feeling this worn down-exhaustion that is a reminder for my soul to find MORE time with Jesus. Everything in me screams, “a nap! I just need to sleep,” but I am slowly learning that there is no sleeping this kind of weariness away. So, here I am, pressing into Jesus and His word, journaling, and finding perspective.
I KNOW that this job is an incredible privilege. I KNOW that God sees me even when I am convinced that nobody else does. He sees the bedtime struggles, the mommy tears at the end of the day, and the kiss I lay on my kids’ forehead when they finally drift to sleep. He sees the NEVER ENDING discipline as I strive to teach my kids that obedience is showing Jesus that we love Him. He knows my heart to be a spirit-led mom who points my kiddos toward Christ in everything, and my desire to be a gracious, GENTLE mom in my teaching and rebuking.
At times, I see progress; I see myself dying to self and feeling the Lord’s presence and pleasure. Other times, like today, I look in the mirror and see ugliness and pride staring back at me, and I feel myself gasping for breath as I sink deeper into weariness.
When I feel this heavy weariness set in, I know that somewhere deep inside I am not trusting the Lord completely. I am letting my fear of failure as a mom take control and run me down, convincing my soul that I am alone and that I CANNOT do this! When I get to this point, I know I haven’t been relying on the Holy Spirit quite enough; I’ve been trying hard to do it on my own.
So what brings rest to this kind of weariness? Where do I go from here if a nap won’t fix it.
“Return to me”
I hear God gently remind me to turn back to Him; my source of EVERYTHING I need.
“I will restore you,” He says
He doesn’t just want me to turn my have-it-together good mom days to Him, but He wants me to turn my ugly, impatient, and messy heart to Him. And when I feel like that is not enough, I will remember the cross.
Jesus goes before me, not just once, but every time. Restoration is not found in my success as a mom, but in reconciliation to the one true God. So I return to Him, repent, and reconcile. I stop struggling to stay afloat and I allow His love and grace to crash over me. I ugly cry. Then I rest in His truth.
This lack of struggling, this warmth of His grace, this returning to the Lord, THIS is rest.
So now I allow the Lord to pick me up, and set my feet upon His Word, and I move forward with my day; move forward with diapers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, discipline, reading, snuggles, some slobbery kisses and most likely a few tantrums. However, I have new perspective, forgiveness, restoration and motivation to keep my eyes locked on Jesus-the author and perfecter of my faith. He is good, and He brings rest to that deep weariness that no nap can fix.