For the sinful nature [flesh] desires what is contrary to the Spirit,and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature [flesh]. They are in conflict with each other (Galatians 5:17).

This past month I have been keenly aware of my sinful nature. The kids seem to be a little more demanding, a little more disobedient. I seem to be a little more impatient, a little more irritable. I can give myself grace (which is powerful and good to do), BUT I also need to confront my “flesh” head on, to walk in the Spirit.

Jennifer Kennedy Dean says in her book, Altar’d: “Flesh is proud, possessive, demanding, grabby, angry, envious, wants to own and manage and manipulate and get its way. Flesh caters to its appetites—physical and emotional. Flesh is self-conscious. Flesh demands its own way. Flesh is all about the I. I want. I will. I did. I feel.” (pg. 16)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it is necessarily fun to look at my flesh, examine it and deal with it. It is MUCH easier to kind of ignore it, right? But there is a piece of my flesh that has a hard time keeping hidden. CONTROL. Yep, I like control. Surprised? Especially being a parent. I want to control behavior, control circumstances, control surroundings and control atmosphere. BUT flesh makes big claims but never gives us what it promises. I cannot walk in my flesh and walk in the Spirit at the same time. but, my flesh promises me that if I can control situations, my husband, my kids, and if I can control what others think about me (always fighting to look good—yes that IS control), that everything will be good, and happy. Guess what? As Jennifer Kennedy Dean puts it, “Flesh doesn’t know the word enough. Whatever it is that your flesh has fastened its hope on, you will never get there. You won’t ever have enough, or be enough. The people you are trying to squeeze love from will never give you enough. The accomplishment you thought would finally prove your value, after a momentary high, is soon passe’—yesterday’s news. Life is tiring, stressful, draining. Just when you think you’re almost there—there moves.” (pg. 34)

Basically. Flesh NEVER gives what it promises. One of the things I learned most from this book, and where it points in God’s Word, is how to recognize when my flesh is acting out, and to (right in that moment) recognize and state OUT LOUD that flesh isn’t going to get me anywhere. Controlling my kids, or yelling at the driver who cut me off, or masking how I am doing to look good for others… it won’t bring me peace or satisfaction. Flesh is BEGGING for it’s life in that moment. Jennifer uses the analogy of pockets of flesh (that have already been put to death by Christ’s death) that are still on life support. We feed into them. When I am about to give in to the areas of sin that I struggle with, I need to say, “no. flesh, you will NOT be given life support right now. I choose to unplug that life support because I KNOW you will not bring peace.” Then I need to look to the Spirit to guide me, because the Spirit will ALWAYS bring peace.

“Flesh gets you nowhere. It never, ever accomplishes what you thought it would.” (pg 37)

So today I am reminded to look to the Spirit in all things. I want to, day by day, get that flesh out of the way, because “Flesh out of the way; Spirit’s power unfurled.” (pg 37)

So today as I do parenting, do marriage, do friendships and ministry I will deny that pesky, no good flesh that gets me nowhere. I will slowly but surely get all those pockets of flesh unpluggled from life support, put them to death and altar them to the true King, so that Jesus’ power can freely flow through me. Today I will live in an altar’d state.

Altar’d, by Jennifer Kennedy Dean. Go read it.

This past month has been rough with my injured ankle, and my husband (Kyle) has been an absolute ROCK STAR! I am feeling extra grateful for his love, help and support so I pulled out a blog entry I wrote last year:

Today I feel gratitude. I feel grateful for so many things, BUT today I mostly feel grateful for “daddy.” I mean–there is so much that daddy does, and so much life that he brings. I feel as if I hear the word “daddy” ALL DAY LONG, even when daddy is at work.

The kids wake up and want to play with daddy. Their favorite breakfast is peanut butter toast with syrup with daddy. The kids need hugs and kisses when daddy leaves (even just to take the trash out). They ask about daddy multiple times while he is gone. Jack tells me that something broke, but “don’t worry! my daddy will fix it when he gets home!” Then daddy comes home for lunch and the kids basically tackle him or hide so that he has to search for them. He barely gets his lunch down before the kids are begging to wrestle or take daddy to their room. Then, another kiss and hug is required when he heads back to work, and everything is repeated until he comes home at the end of the day. The kids pretend to drive daddy’s pick-up, and watch for him to arrive again (this is why our front window is constantly covered in smudges and fingerprints. I’ve just given up, people).  Daddy is their hero. It’s totally true, I mean–as I write this I can hear him singing frozen songs and giving Bert and Ernie impressions into a play microphone. I mean, dang! He is my hero too. Not only is he the center of my kids’ world, but he is a hard worker, godly pastor and stud. He works hard and every other second he is basically pulled between kids or doing something for me. He gives freely of his time to others and gives forgiveness and grace quickly.

I love daddy.

Daddy is the best man in the world and I am grateful today that my kiddos get to watch him, play with him, learn from him, climb on him, listen to Bert and Ernie impressions from him, cuddle him and see Jesus in him.

Yes, kiddos. I love your daddy with ALL MY HEART.

I just sent off my older two kiddos and their AMAZING daddy to have a Costco hot dog date and pick up a list of groceries for mama. I love time with just my little Henry boy (18 months). I have spent the last 30 minutes just enthralled with his little growing personality and now he is curled up next to me pushing the delete button every two seconds.
The third born child is a funny one, am I right? They grow WWWAAAYYY faster than the first two, yet have a certain way of not growing at all. Henry doesn’t seem like a baby anymore, yet every time a sibling touches his toy, or anytime he wants a toy anyone else has, he comes running for mommy. He is in hog heaven at the moment trying to throw away all the clean diapers one at a time, play with all of his sister’s princesses while she can’t hide them, and break apart Jack’s lego boat (yes, he is totally done with the snuggling and is now on the loose). My favorite is his little voice. He has been a lot slower to talk than the older two, I mean… everyone just talks FOR the third born, right? He blurts things out as if I know exactly what he is saying, and sometimes sounds so hilarious. He is starting to realize that he DOES NOT like the word, “no,” and he is learning to throw pretty good fits. BUT.. nothing is different than before when he runs to mama and needs to snuggle after he is done kicking. I still love him the same and find the same joy in him and wrapping him up in my arms.
Such a simple analogy, but I just can’t help thinking about how much joy we bring to our Heavenly Father. I mean, we can all act like a third born at times, ya? Sometimes I think I know what I am doing and let pride creep in, and to the Lord (and maybe sometimes to others) I may look like I am simply blubbering words that don’t make sense. I throw little tantrums in my heart when I don’t get what I want, or maybe am extra slow in learning or picking up on lessons the Lord is trying to teach me. But guess what? Just as I still love and adore my sweet little Henry, even when he looks and acts like a hot mess, our God is so overjoyed and in love with his sweet children. Why? Because we are HIS. This hot mess belongs to Jesus and He is quick to forgive me and wrap me up when I run to Him.

Just a little reminder for myself and ya’ll as we walk through our day. No matter what we have done, who we think we are, or how often we feel we mess up—God finds joy in us today and wants to USE us IN SPITE of our weaknesses and maybe lack of maturity. He finds joy in seeing us learn (as slowly as it may be) and grow. Let’s run to Him today.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

My personality type, birth order, and upbringing will attest that I am a goal oriented, accomplishment, and achievement driven human being. I love to make lists. Heck, I love to make lists of the lists I need to make, and cross them off as I make more lists. I sometimes live for the end result, and forget to live in the moments that make up what we call the “process.” I have written about this before. I have written about living in the moment and “slowing the raging river of time with the full weight of our presence.” I have written about this more than once because it is REAL struggle in my life.
Mixing my personality and parenting, naturally I tend to be the “everyone sit in a different part of the room with 5 books each, NO Jackson (my little negotiator) not 6 books, FIVE books each, while I get things done around here” type of mom. I’m naturally the mom who, when letting my 3 yr old bake cookies with me, almost goes into a coma when she takes five minutes to crack an egg by herself, yes ALL BY HERSELF. Sometimes, I just talk out loud to myself: “Breathe, Hanna. I know you just cleaned the living room AND checked it off your list, but you can add it to another list and check it off AGAIN after the kids finish their fort (made with every pillow and blanket in the house) filled with random household items for their “nest.” Don’t have a heart attack.
So let me tell you what I decided to do opening week of 2016 (actually opening DAY of 2016). Are you ready for it? Sprain my ankle… yep. When you think about it, it is actually pretty genius for this accomplishment driven, let’s conquer this year-mama to be forced to sit for an entire week while her children create chaos and dishes go unwashed. No better way to gain perspective, I suppose. I can make lists all day, but not much gets accomplished (in the realm of what I often think is most important). I like to “get to where I’m going already,” and often times where I am going (that is, my end in sight) is bedtime and a clean house. The question I have been wrestling with is this: What SHOULD be my end in sight; my “get to where I’m going already?” Let me tell you—I have never looked forward to bedtime more than this week. Days have been hard and long, BUT I have seen things sitting here with my foot elevated that I haven’t looked at in a while. When did my 4 yr. old get SO helpful? He made sure I had ice on my ankle (at just the right angle, in just the right place. God bless my first born), and was quick to help in any way I asked. I not only see his growth physically, but I see his little heart growing bigger and softer and more like Jesus.
I may not have gotten my lists (and lists of lists) accomplished this week, but I realized more important accomplishments. Little hands making their own PB&J WITHOUT mommy close by, laughter as they dress themselves and come out to surprise me, fingers gently touching my ankle and asking if it was getting better, imaginations playing with princesses and heroes, older siblings picking on the youngest (gotta love it), and lots of cuddles and books to read. These are some of the things I have a feeling I might have missed if I hadn’t been forced to sit this week. Things I DO NOT want to miss as my ankle heals.
What is my “end in sight?” Bedtime? A clean House? Maybe when I let my flesh take over. But when I turn back to Jesus, he gently reminds me that my “end in sight” is really standing before Him, looking back at the moments of my life. Did I spend them accomplishing results rather than enhancing relationships? My mission each day is to train up my children, to speak life into them, to pray over them as they play in the bathtub, to speak blessing on them as I fold their clothes. Yes, these are accomplishments and achievements that will last into eternity, and will help grow my kiddos closer to their Savior. These are the moments that make up the “process” of my day. These are the moments that will sum up our year.