My personality type, birth order, and upbringing will attest that I am a goal oriented, accomplishment, and achievement driven human being. I love to make lists. Heck, I love to make lists of the lists I need to make, and cross them off as I make more lists. I sometimes live for the end result, and forget to live in the moments that make up what we call the “process.” I have written about this before. I have written about living in the moment and “slowing the raging river of time with the full weight of our presence.” I have written about this more than once because it is REAL struggle in my life.
Mixing my personality and parenting, naturally I tend to be the “everyone sit in a different part of the room with 5 books each, NO Jackson (my little negotiator) not 6 books, FIVE books each, while I get things done around here” type of mom. I’m naturally the mom who, when letting my 3 yr old bake cookies with me, almost goes into a coma when she takes five minutes to crack an egg by herself, yes ALL BY HERSELF. Sometimes, I just talk out loud to myself: “Breathe, Hanna. I know you just cleaned the living room AND checked it off your list, but you can add it to another list and check it off AGAIN after the kids finish their fort (made with every pillow and blanket in the house) filled with random household items for their “nest.” Don’t have a heart attack.
So let me tell you what I decided to do opening week of 2016 (actually opening DAY of 2016). Are you ready for it? Sprain my ankle… yep. When you think about it, it is actually pretty genius for this accomplishment driven, let’s conquer this year-mama to be forced to sit for an entire week while her children create chaos and dishes go unwashed. No better way to gain perspective, I suppose. I can make lists all day, but not much gets accomplished (in the realm of what I often think is most important). I like to “get to where I’m going already,” and often times where I am going (that is, my end in sight) is bedtime and a clean house. The question I have been wrestling with is this: What SHOULD be my end in sight; my “get to where I’m going already?” Let me tell you—I have never looked forward to bedtime more than this week. Days have been hard and long, BUT I have seen things sitting here with my foot elevated that I haven’t looked at in a while. When did my 4 yr. old get SO helpful? He made sure I had ice on my ankle (at just the right angle, in just the right place. God bless my first born), and was quick to help in any way I asked. I not only see his growth physically, but I see his little heart growing bigger and softer and more like Jesus.
I may not have gotten my lists (and lists of lists) accomplished this week, but I realized more important accomplishments. Little hands making their own PB&J WITHOUT mommy close by, laughter as they dress themselves and come out to surprise me, fingers gently touching my ankle and asking if it was getting better, imaginations playing with princesses and heroes, older siblings picking on the youngest (gotta love it), and lots of cuddles and books to read. These are some of the things I have a feeling I might have missed if I hadn’t been forced to sit this week. Things I DO NOT want to miss as my ankle heals.
What is my “end in sight?” Bedtime? A clean House? Maybe when I let my flesh take over. But when I turn back to Jesus, he gently reminds me that my “end in sight” is really standing before Him, looking back at the moments of my life. Did I spend them accomplishing results rather than enhancing relationships? My mission each day is to train up my children, to speak life into them, to pray over them as they play in the bathtub, to speak blessing on them as I fold their clothes. Yes, these are accomplishments and achievements that will last into eternity, and will help grow my kiddos closer to their Savior. These are the moments that make up the “process” of my day. These are the moments that will sum up our year.