I was super challenged in my reading in Numbers today about God’s faithfulness, and our lack of trust. God had rescued His people from slavery, shown them miracles, parted the Red Sea, given them manna, and continued to lead them even through their grumbling and complaining. He finally got them to the Promised Land and they got scared and FORGOT about all the things God had done to get them to that very spot.

“The Lord said to Moses, ‘How long will this people spurn Me? And how long will they not believe in Me, despite all the signs which I have performed in their midst?'”      -Numbers 14:11

BOOM! Talk about conviction. This is us ALL THE TIME, isn’t it? God provided financially when we were really tight one month, He continues to guide our life, and ALWAYS gives grace when we mess up. So why is it that the obstacle in front of me always looks so much bigger than God? You wanna know why? Because we don’t KNOW what God has done for us. We need to FIX OUR EYES on God. On His goodness. On His faithfulness. We need to keep an ongoing list of His provisions, blessings, miracles. We forget the things He has done because we hardly acknowledge them in the first place. Yep, I said it. Oftentimes we don’t just forget about His provisions, but we never really saw them in the first place. We need to TRAIN our eyes to SEE what the Lord has done for us, and what He does for us each day.I don’t want His “mercies to lie forgotten in unthankfulness” as Charles Spurgeon said in his sermon, Remembering God’s Works.

Do I know what God has done for me? Where has He brought me from? What miracles has He performed in my life? How has He provided for me, guided me, protected me, loved me, encouraged me, FORGIVEN ME? I am challenging myself as much as you, to start a list. Write down everything the Lord has done for you and start training your heart in gratefulness. When you get an encouraging note in the mail, see it as God’s encouragement to YOU. When you get a raise, when your bill is smaller than expected, when somehow ends meet when they shouldn’t have logically met, thank Jesus! Write it down! Shout it in your home! Write it on the walls of your house! Speak it to your children. I want my children to grow up being able to recall what the Lord has done in their parent’s lives because we TALK ABOUT IT everyday. Yes, I want the most familiar and spoken words out of my mouth to be, “The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever! I can speak with confidence because He has proven it to be so in my life!”

I am so grateful for chubby little fingers and hands. Holding that doll, train, blanket. Thankful for Henry’s little fingers wrapped tight around a bit of my sweatshirt as he snuggles and sucks his thumb. Thankful for Blakely’s chubby fingers running through my hair. I am thankful for Jack’s little hands holding my face as he kisses me.

Fingers playing high and low keys on the piano, finger smudges on windows and the television. Fingers that tell me, “shush” because “baby brother is sleeping,” and thankful for sticky fingers after a snack.

I am thankful for little hands learning to strum a ukulele, fingers learning to grasp a toy, or locate eyes, ears and belly buttons. I am thankful for fingers that tickle and pick boogies, and precious hands as they flip through books or learn to write their name. So many sweet moments and memories wrapped up in “little fingers.”

Jesus–use those hands to do YOUR work, to ALWAYS point to You and Your faithfulness and to hold tight to Your truth. Use those fingers to point to what is right, and grasp tightly to family, siblings, mom and dad. Use those hands to give generously to others, to You, and to Your bride.

May they ALWAYS hold my face and kiss me, hold YOUR hand through life’s ups and downs, and learn to point out Your blessings daily.

yes–I am SO grateful for chubby little fingers and hands, and grateful that I get to be the one to hold them as they grow.

                   “I get to be the one to hold your hand. I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones,
I’ll be there to watch you grow.  I get to be the one.”
-JJ Heller

For the sinful nature [flesh] desires what is contrary to the Spirit,and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature [flesh]. They are in conflict with each other (Galatians 5:17).

This past month I have been keenly aware of my sinful nature. The kids seem to be a little more demanding, a little more disobedient. I seem to be a little more impatient, a little more irritable. I can give myself grace (which is powerful and good to do), BUT I also need to confront my “flesh” head on, to walk in the Spirit.

Jennifer Kennedy Dean says in her book, Altar’d: “Flesh is proud, possessive, demanding, grabby, angry, envious, wants to own and manage and manipulate and get its way. Flesh caters to its appetites—physical and emotional. Flesh is self-conscious. Flesh demands its own way. Flesh is all about the I. I want. I will. I did. I feel.” (pg. 16)

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it is necessarily fun to look at my flesh, examine it and deal with it. It is MUCH easier to kind of ignore it, right? But there is a piece of my flesh that has a hard time keeping hidden. CONTROL. Yep, I like control. Surprised? Especially being a parent. I want to control behavior, control circumstances, control surroundings and control atmosphere. BUT flesh makes big claims but never gives us what it promises. I cannot walk in my flesh and walk in the Spirit at the same time. but, my flesh promises me that if I can control situations, my husband, my kids, and if I can control what others think about me (always fighting to look good—yes that IS control), that everything will be good, and happy. Guess what? As Jennifer Kennedy Dean puts it, “Flesh doesn’t know the word enough. Whatever it is that your flesh has fastened its hope on, you will never get there. You won’t ever have enough, or be enough. The people you are trying to squeeze love from will never give you enough. The accomplishment you thought would finally prove your value, after a momentary high, is soon passe’—yesterday’s news. Life is tiring, stressful, draining. Just when you think you’re almost there—there moves.” (pg. 34)

Basically. Flesh NEVER gives what it promises. One of the things I learned most from this book, and where it points in God’s Word, is how to recognize when my flesh is acting out, and to (right in that moment) recognize and state OUT LOUD that flesh isn’t going to get me anywhere. Controlling my kids, or yelling at the driver who cut me off, or masking how I am doing to look good for others… it won’t bring me peace or satisfaction. Flesh is BEGGING for it’s life in that moment. Jennifer uses the analogy of pockets of flesh (that have already been put to death by Christ’s death) that are still on life support. We feed into them. When I am about to give in to the areas of sin that I struggle with, I need to say, “no. flesh, you will NOT be given life support right now. I choose to unplug that life support because I KNOW you will not bring peace.” Then I need to look to the Spirit to guide me, because the Spirit will ALWAYS bring peace.

“Flesh gets you nowhere. It never, ever accomplishes what you thought it would.” (pg 37)

So today I am reminded to look to the Spirit in all things. I want to, day by day, get that flesh out of the way, because “Flesh out of the way; Spirit’s power unfurled.” (pg 37)

So today as I do parenting, do marriage, do friendships and ministry I will deny that pesky, no good flesh that gets me nowhere. I will slowly but surely get all those pockets of flesh unpluggled from life support, put them to death and altar them to the true King, so that Jesus’ power can freely flow through me. Today I will live in an altar’d state.

Altar’d, by Jennifer Kennedy Dean. Go read it.

This past month has been rough with my injured ankle, and my husband (Kyle) has been an absolute ROCK STAR! I am feeling extra grateful for his love, help and support so I pulled out a blog entry I wrote last year:

Today I feel gratitude. I feel grateful for so many things, BUT today I mostly feel grateful for “daddy.” I mean–there is so much that daddy does, and so much life that he brings. I feel as if I hear the word “daddy” ALL DAY LONG, even when daddy is at work.

The kids wake up and want to play with daddy. Their favorite breakfast is peanut butter toast with syrup with daddy. The kids need hugs and kisses when daddy leaves (even just to take the trash out). They ask about daddy multiple times while he is gone. Jack tells me that something broke, but “don’t worry! my daddy will fix it when he gets home!” Then daddy comes home for lunch and the kids basically tackle him or hide so that he has to search for them. He barely gets his lunch down before the kids are begging to wrestle or take daddy to their room. Then, another kiss and hug is required when he heads back to work, and everything is repeated until he comes home at the end of the day. The kids pretend to drive daddy’s pick-up, and watch for him to arrive again (this is why our front window is constantly covered in smudges and fingerprints. I’ve just given up, people).  Daddy is their hero. It’s totally true, I mean–as I write this I can hear him singing frozen songs and giving Bert and Ernie impressions into a play microphone. I mean, dang! He is my hero too. Not only is he the center of my kids’ world, but he is a hard worker, godly pastor and stud. He works hard and every other second he is basically pulled between kids or doing something for me. He gives freely of his time to others and gives forgiveness and grace quickly.

I love daddy.

Daddy is the best man in the world and I am grateful today that my kiddos get to watch him, play with him, learn from him, climb on him, listen to Bert and Ernie impressions from him, cuddle him and see Jesus in him.

Yes, kiddos. I love your daddy with ALL MY HEART.

I just sent off my older two kiddos and their AMAZING daddy to have a Costco hot dog date and pick up a list of groceries for mama. I love time with just my little Henry boy (18 months). I have spent the last 30 minutes just enthralled with his little growing personality and now he is curled up next to me pushing the delete button every two seconds.
The third born child is a funny one, am I right? They grow WWWAAAYYY faster than the first two, yet have a certain way of not growing at all. Henry doesn’t seem like a baby anymore, yet every time a sibling touches his toy, or anytime he wants a toy anyone else has, he comes running for mommy. He is in hog heaven at the moment trying to throw away all the clean diapers one at a time, play with all of his sister’s princesses while she can’t hide them, and break apart Jack’s lego boat (yes, he is totally done with the snuggling and is now on the loose). My favorite is his little voice. He has been a lot slower to talk than the older two, I mean… everyone just talks FOR the third born, right? He blurts things out as if I know exactly what he is saying, and sometimes sounds so hilarious. He is starting to realize that he DOES NOT like the word, “no,” and he is learning to throw pretty good fits. BUT.. nothing is different than before when he runs to mama and needs to snuggle after he is done kicking. I still love him the same and find the same joy in him and wrapping him up in my arms.
Such a simple analogy, but I just can’t help thinking about how much joy we bring to our Heavenly Father. I mean, we can all act like a third born at times, ya? Sometimes I think I know what I am doing and let pride creep in, and to the Lord (and maybe sometimes to others) I may look like I am simply blubbering words that don’t make sense. I throw little tantrums in my heart when I don’t get what I want, or maybe am extra slow in learning or picking up on lessons the Lord is trying to teach me. But guess what? Just as I still love and adore my sweet little Henry, even when he looks and acts like a hot mess, our God is so overjoyed and in love with his sweet children. Why? Because we are HIS. This hot mess belongs to Jesus and He is quick to forgive me and wrap me up when I run to Him.

Just a little reminder for myself and ya’ll as we walk through our day. No matter what we have done, who we think we are, or how often we feel we mess up—God finds joy in us today and wants to USE us IN SPITE of our weaknesses and maybe lack of maturity. He finds joy in seeing us learn (as slowly as it may be) and grow. Let’s run to Him today.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

My personality type, birth order, and upbringing will attest that I am a goal oriented, accomplishment, and achievement driven human being. I love to make lists. Heck, I love to make lists of the lists I need to make, and cross them off as I make more lists. I sometimes live for the end result, and forget to live in the moments that make up what we call the “process.” I have written about this before. I have written about living in the moment and “slowing the raging river of time with the full weight of our presence.” I have written about this more than once because it is REAL struggle in my life.
Mixing my personality and parenting, naturally I tend to be the “everyone sit in a different part of the room with 5 books each, NO Jackson (my little negotiator) not 6 books, FIVE books each, while I get things done around here” type of mom. I’m naturally the mom who, when letting my 3 yr old bake cookies with me, almost goes into a coma when she takes five minutes to crack an egg by herself, yes ALL BY HERSELF. Sometimes, I just talk out loud to myself: “Breathe, Hanna. I know you just cleaned the living room AND checked it off your list, but you can add it to another list and check it off AGAIN after the kids finish their fort (made with every pillow and blanket in the house) filled with random household items for their “nest.” Don’t have a heart attack.
So let me tell you what I decided to do opening week of 2016 (actually opening DAY of 2016). Are you ready for it? Sprain my ankle… yep. When you think about it, it is actually pretty genius for this accomplishment driven, let’s conquer this year-mama to be forced to sit for an entire week while her children create chaos and dishes go unwashed. No better way to gain perspective, I suppose. I can make lists all day, but not much gets accomplished (in the realm of what I often think is most important). I like to “get to where I’m going already,” and often times where I am going (that is, my end in sight) is bedtime and a clean house. The question I have been wrestling with is this: What SHOULD be my end in sight; my “get to where I’m going already?” Let me tell you—I have never looked forward to bedtime more than this week. Days have been hard and long, BUT I have seen things sitting here with my foot elevated that I haven’t looked at in a while. When did my 4 yr. old get SO helpful? He made sure I had ice on my ankle (at just the right angle, in just the right place. God bless my first born), and was quick to help in any way I asked. I not only see his growth physically, but I see his little heart growing bigger and softer and more like Jesus.
I may not have gotten my lists (and lists of lists) accomplished this week, but I realized more important accomplishments. Little hands making their own PB&J WITHOUT mommy close by, laughter as they dress themselves and come out to surprise me, fingers gently touching my ankle and asking if it was getting better, imaginations playing with princesses and heroes, older siblings picking on the youngest (gotta love it), and lots of cuddles and books to read. These are some of the things I have a feeling I might have missed if I hadn’t been forced to sit this week. Things I DO NOT want to miss as my ankle heals.
What is my “end in sight?” Bedtime? A clean House? Maybe when I let my flesh take over. But when I turn back to Jesus, he gently reminds me that my “end in sight” is really standing before Him, looking back at the moments of my life. Did I spend them accomplishing results rather than enhancing relationships? My mission each day is to train up my children, to speak life into them, to pray over them as they play in the bathtub, to speak blessing on them as I fold their clothes. Yes, these are accomplishments and achievements that will last into eternity, and will help grow my kiddos closer to their Savior. These are the moments that make up the “process” of my day. These are the moments that will sum up our year.

This week I made a trip up to Trout Lake, WA (one of the most gorgeous places) to visit my dear grandma. This woman has made an astounding impact on my life. She raised 5 kids, and from those kids has 24 grandkids, and from those grandkids now has 80+ (and counting) great grandkids. Growing up, we had “Cousin Camp” at my grandparents’ house in the woods. Cousins were grouped in age categories and spent a week learning about Jesus, fishing, camping, painting rocks, hiking and bike riding. Now that we are grown and all spread around the world, she KNOWS what is important in life, and she knows that one of the most valuable and impactful things she can do for each of her kids, grandkids and great grandkids is to PRAY FOR THEM! Each morning she makes her way down to her prayer stump, and as she watches the sun rise and looks at the gorgeous Mt. Adams in the morning light, she prays for her kids, grandkids and “greats” (as she calls them) by name. Incredible, right?
While visiting her this week, she walked us (a couple of my sisters and me) down to her prayer stump. As we slowly made our way to this special spot, stopping numerous times as she told a story about our childhood, my grandpa (and his Navy days), or just something she had been learning, I was reminded of how valuable life is when we take it at a slow pace. As I looked around at the gorgeous view, taking time to recognize the earthy smell that reminded me of our “cousin camp” days, and as I appreciated the slow walk and conversation I was more refreshed than I have been in a long while. So often I can just get through my days in a hurry. I’m often in a hurry to get breakfast eaten and cleaned, to finish the schoolwork with my preschooler, or (I hate to admit it) to get through with the bedtime story I am reading my kids. Why? These are the tiny moments that I will remember when I look back at my life, yet I am always trying to just get through them.
I am thankful for the reminded this week of life lived in the small moments. Not just hurrying out to that prayer stump, seeing where my grandma prays, and rushing back. It is because of those slow steps, pauses and conversation that I will remember that day as one of the more special moments I have had with my grandma and sisters.
I know we cannot slow time. Time will stop for no one, BUT I can live my moments in such a way that I soak up everything possible in that time. Even as I write this I am forcing myself to stop typing, look up at my kids playing legos, and tell them I love them or affirm my oldest as he shows off his airplane model. My personality wants to sit down, type out an entire blog post, edit and post it all in one sitting. That isn’t what it’s about.
Today I will thank Jesus for the legacy my grandma is leaving in my own life and my kids’ life. I will read one more bedtime story, stare at my kids a little longer when they fall asleep, and most importantly I will PRAY for them faithfully. I will put my full weight into these moments so I can try to slow time enough to be fully present. Today is the day the Lord has made, and I will rejoice in each moment and be glad in it. Not wishing it to move faster but making sweet memories in taking it at a slow pace.
Thanks for the sweet lessons I learn from you, continuously, Grandma Duke!

The day-in-day-out constancy of a mother’s job is more than just tiring. It brings about a weariness I’ve known nowhere else. Nothing else demands ALL OF ME like this job; this calling. Sticky fingers, dirty diapers, constant discipline, tears, another story, another snack, spilt milk, more laundry, melt downs, baths, lost blankies, scraped knees, and it’s not even nap time!
Today I am feeling this worn down-exhaustion that is a reminder for my soul to find MORE time with Jesus. Everything in me screams, “a nap! I just need to sleep,” but I am slowly learning that there is no sleeping this kind of weariness away. So, here I am, pressing into Jesus and His word, journaling, and finding perspective.
I KNOW that this job is an incredible privilege. I KNOW that God sees me even when I am convinced that nobody else does. He sees the bedtime struggles, the mommy tears at the end of the day, and the kiss I lay on my kids’ forehead when they finally drift to sleep. He sees the NEVER ENDING discipline as I strive to teach my kids that obedience is showing Jesus that we love Him. He knows my heart to be a spirit-led mom who points my kiddos toward Christ in everything, and my desire to be a gracious, GENTLE mom in my teaching and rebuking.
At times, I see progress; I see myself dying to self and feeling the Lord’s presence and pleasure. Other times, like today, I look in the mirror and see ugliness and pride staring back at me, and I feel myself gasping for breath as I sink deeper into weariness.
When I feel this heavy weariness set in, I know that somewhere deep inside I am not trusting the Lord completely. I am letting my fear of failure as a mom take control and run me down, convincing my soul that I am alone and that I CANNOT do this! When I get to this point, I know I haven’t been relying on the Holy Spirit quite enough; I’ve been trying hard to do it on my own.
So what brings rest to this kind of weariness? Where do I go from here if a nap won’t fix it.
“Return to me”
I hear God gently remind me to turn back to Him; my source of EVERYTHING I need.
“I will restore you,” He says
He doesn’t just want me to turn my have-it-together good mom days to Him, but He wants me to turn my ugly, impatient, and messy heart to Him. And when I feel like that is not enough, I will remember the cross.
Jesus goes before me, not just once, but every time. Restoration is not found in my success as a mom, but in reconciliation to the one true God. So I return to Him, repent, and reconcile. I stop struggling to stay afloat and I allow His love and grace to crash over me. I ugly cry. Then I rest in His truth.
This lack of struggling, this warmth of His grace, this returning to the Lord, THIS is rest.
So now I allow the Lord to pick me up, and set my feet upon His Word, and I move forward with my day; move forward with diapers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, discipline, reading, snuggles, some slobbery kisses and most likely a few tantrums. However, I have new perspective, forgiveness, restoration and motivation to keep my eyes locked on Jesus-the author and perfecter of my faith. He is good, and He brings rest to that deep weariness that no nap can fix.